This is so hard
To say the last four years of school was a roller coast is an understatement. People always say that high school is an experience you will remember forever, and so far, I would have to agree with them. From my own personal struggles to the Covid-19 pandemic, there have been numerous difficulties and roadblocks I have had to encounter, but I would not change it for anything in the world.
By far the most demanding thing about high school was not the work, it was not waking up at 6a.m. and some days 5 to walk the two miles to school for one reason or another, and it was not even the cramming information the day before a test panicking that I would fail. By far the most challenging thing I have had to balance in my high school year was my personal life and my personal struggles completely over taking everything I had to give. My home life has been rocky, to say the least, since I was in fourth grade. It is hard for any ten-year-old to understand anything about the real world, but it was something I had to bear, and it completely shifted my emotional development and how I view and navigate the world. Due to family struggles and what seemed like a constantly crumbling home life, once I left the comforts of my elementary school, I reached my limit in all senses. Emotionally, academically, physically... I just could not handle anything. My grades suffered, my relationships and friendships suffered, but most importantly I suffered. My life was still only getting worse. Not only was my home life still unstable, but I also suddenly had a lifelong pain disorder show face out of nowhere, resulting me being pulled out of public school in my 8th grade year.
I hated home school more than anything I have ever experienced. I remember a letter coming in the mail saying I had been accepted into Bullard High and being told I was not allowed to attend because I physically could not manage mainstream school was heart shattering. There is no other way to explain it than a genuine heartbreak. I hated everything about home schooling, I could not say a single positive thing about my experience. Everything I learned, I had to teach to myself out of workbooks, not only infuriating me when I did not understand a concept, but also resulted in severe gaps in my education. There is nothing more isolating than being homeschooled. There are no teachers, students, or anyone except the people you live with, who at the time I did not want to be around. It is hard living in a home you cannot stand to be in or feel heard in, so to have to sit in that same house all day, every day, with no one to talk to pushed me to my limits. Once my parents agreed I would go back to public school my sophomore year after begging them since I left public school, the covid-19 lockdown was put in place. Due to my sophomore year being projected to be all online at the time, my parents decided to just keep me in the school I was in at the time. Now, I was not allowed to go on store trips with my parents or just go on little outings with my one friend who I have known since first grade. I felt as if my life was over, which may seem melodramatic, but that is how it felt. I could not stomach staying home and now I had no choice but to stay.
The isolation from this whole experience, in addition to my general mental health issues that were mostly untreated, led to me attempting to take my own life. October 16th of 2020, is a date when I changed my life forever. Making that decision to attempt taking my life has changed parts of my life that I never even expected. I lost the few friends I had made through an art class I took in person through my school, my parents started to hover over me, and the constant difficulties of taking my medication started. My mental health for the first three years of high school is something I would not wish upon my worst enemy. While my physical situation was not ideal or anywhere near easy, my mental health is what tortured me the most. My mental illnesses practically consumed me to the point where I could not even recognize myself anymore. Throughout my high school years my mental state has gone from horrific, too bad, to stable, to ok, to happy. The thing that turned my life around was in March 2022, when my parents enrolled me in Fresno High.
I remember going into the attendance office and signing those papers and the school saying my first day would be the following Monday so I could get everything I needed in order. That Monday morning, I was so terrified. My first time in a public school in over three years. Looking past me being so anxious I felt like almost throwing up the entire day, it was honestly one of the happiest days of my life. I used to take the routine of waking up, getting ready, going to school, doing my work, going home to do more work, and then going to sleep just to do it again the next day, so much for granted. I did not realize that the routine of school was one of the things that used to hold me together. But what I was most excited about was the people. I adore people. The good people, the rude people, the annoying people who just want to piss others off, and the amazing people who would sacrifice things just to make sure you are comfortable and happy. Being around people makes me feel like me. I was so excited to make friends but also it was terrifying and the scariest thing I willingly put myself through. My first friend on campus was Mr. Issak. I would stay in his room during lunch and sometimes he would give me a diet coke if he had one. Talking with him at lunch honestly calmed my nerves about being back in public school. However, my first student friend is named Hector. I had him in my first, fourth, and fifth period last year and he was the first person to approach me. He asked me if I understood the math from our algebra class and all I did in response was shake my head no and went back to what I was doing. Thankfully for me, he was persistent and talked to me again the next day, even inviting me to hang out with him and his friends at lunch if I did not have anyone to hang out with yet. Agreeing to go to hang out with his friend group was the best decision I have ever made, too afraid to say no too. Hector just so happened to be friends with my now boyfriend Michael, and he introduced us. Through the rest of junior year and over the summer Michael and I became closer over time and started dating in September of 2022.
Again, to say high school was a roller coaster is an understatement is to say the least. Now as a senior, and now over 18, I often reflect on the past few years. A few years back I saw some social media post asking people if they thought their 5-year-old self would be proud of them now, and it has been something I have never forgotten about. I have spent hours, even days dwelling on this question, and honestly, it has completely changed how I act towards myself and others around me. To view everyone as a young child, being placed in this world at random, and left to navigate the world around them alone has led me to become a more forgiving person not only to others but myself. I often wonder if I have met the expectations of my younger self. I know the answer is no. I know I would be disappointed with myself, but I also know that I would have forgiven myself. If not when I was five, then now. While I did not exactly fulfill my dreams of being the most successful child prodigy, I am beyond proud of me for making it to graduation and for finishing off my grade school years, while being the happiest I have been in a long time. This experience has been both my personal hell and my own saving grace. I have grown immensely not only as a student but as a person, daughter, girlfriend, and as a friend. These past four years have shaped me to pursue a career and life itself. Every day I spend not following my personal happiness and well-being is a day wasted.
Thank you to everyone who has ever shown me love and support, and sacrificed their time and energy into helping me and whatever my endeavors may be. All of you are the reason I happily choose to live my life each day and look forward to the next.
